Open Letter to Vodafone Customer Care

Dear Vodafone Customer Carers,

I must tell you that after one entire day gone between us to sort out the issue with my Blackberry connection, I have decided to concede defeat. YOU ARE HOPELESS!

It is high time that you adapt to some ‘Faster, Smarter, Better’ customer service as well, because otherwise the poor zoozoos will starve to death as we customers back out one by one. Here is what happened with me. Thought you might be interested.

I have
1. Dialled your customer service numbers more than fifteen times today in the last ten hours.
2. Heard “I am very sorry for the inconvenience, I will surely help you” almost ten times from random customer executives (some of them who did not have the slightest clue as to why I had called in!)
3. Waited for at least one of your associate in the BB team to turn up, for more than two hours!
4. Described the problem to five of your associates, who promised me action within 1 hour, 2 hours and 4 hours.

But at the end of all this, things have not gotten any better at my end!!!

And to top it all, the IVRS now religiously tells me “Sorry, the service is unavailable now!”. This in spite of my confirming with the concerned personnel that the service will be available beyond office working hours.

I am ready to share complete details of the problem and steps taken if you are interested, and assure me that you would get my phone back in service.

And I must addl here that this inaction is highly disappointing and has affected my day to day business. This is not the only time I have experienced negligient response from your customer care team.

-Shyam
(hnshyam@gmail.com)

Dhiru and sons- a chapter in modern mythology

Dhiru Mahadev started his career as an employee in one of the many British companies located in the coast of Aden. Although a humble beginning, Dhiru was always poised for bigger challenges in life. A few years into his career he met the two people who would become his working partners in future.

The first person was Brahm Dev, a man of impeccable knowledge and research experience. His intelligence was supreme and people felt he thought with not one brain, but four! The other was Vishnu Baba, an operations expert who knew to keep any plant running irrespective of any form of trouble, be it from employees or management.

So when they formed their venture ‘Hind Reliance’, Brahm took charge of R&D and was responsible for creativity and innovation, while Vishnu took charge of operations and plant management. Mr.Mahadev, being the biggest contributor in the venture, was responsible for final goods delivery and overall decision making. So he was nicked ‘Param’- meaning supreme.

Param meanwhile got married to Parvatiben, a good looking woman with a strong Gujrati background.The couple were blessed with two sons. The elder one was Ganesh Mahadev and the younger was Karthik Mahadev.

Ganesh was born with a speech disability. He was smart but would not talk. This made him very shy and tied down to his own world of books and stories. Very soon his friends started calling him Mook-esh (‘mook’ meaning dumb in Hindi). Karthik on the other hand was a very handsome extrovert. He was inclined to movies and show biz right from a young age. At one point he felt that his name Karthik was so not reflective of his ‘modern’ nature that he re-christened himself ‘Anil’ after his favourite star in Bollywood Anil Kapoor.

As years went by, Dhiru Mahadev’s company became big and it looked like its employees could form a nation of their own. Dhiru would often quip to his wife, “Sitting in the twenty fifth floor of my office in Nariman Point, I feel like I am on top of some Kailash mountain and can see the entire world from a bird’s eye view.”

Mookesh and Anil went to the best school in the country and after completing their schooling in India, they were sent away for graduating in business studies from the US. When it was time for his sons to return after completing their graduate studies, Param found that he was a deeply worried and concerned man. He feared that bookish education in the US would be a handicap for his sons to run Hind Reliance. He feared that their decision making abilities will be affected by their Americanised perspectives in business, especially in a completely Indian company like theirs.

So he decided to test them.

One day after they were back in India, Param called his wife Parvatiben and their sons Mookesh and Anil to his study. There he was sitting with his close friend Mr.Narad Muni. Narad was a shrewd businessman who spent most of his life travelling across seas and shores for running his business. When they were ready, Param spoke.

“Sons, you are both very adorable, and we love you both. You have completed your education and have made yourselves eligible for bigger roles now. However, I would like to test you to know who among you is better suited at following me.”

“I have transferred Rs.1,00,00,000 to both your accounts. Now I will give you a maximum of one month to complete this assignment. Go and experience life to the fullest! Narad uncle will help you get your air tickets and all ready.”

True to their respective selves Mookesh remained sombre and unperturbed while there was a distinctive glint in Anil’s eyes. Within two days, Anil was cruising through the waters of Nile, while his elder brother Mookesh was slump on the couch watching Mind Your Language series on television.

Anil booked a Europe tour package that took him to the most exotic of places in the Europe. He cruised on the seas, went bungee jumping, yachting, rowing, and ice skiing and trekking through the Alps. He drank the most expensive liquors and slept with the most exquisite women from across the globe. He drove in the most luxurious of vehicles and interacted with many celebrities worldwide.

Meanwhile, his brother Mookesh preferred to stay indoors than outdoors. Much to the surprise of everyone around him, he went and joined Hind Reliance to help his father in business. In a matter of one week, he learnt the business in and out. By three weeks, he made Hind Reliance a profit of Rs. 50,00,000. Impressed by his effort at running the company, Param declared Mookesh as his successor.

When Anil came back from his tour, he was aghast to see that Mookesh had already been proclaimed winner in a contest that he considered uncompleted. Red faced, with a heavy heart he spoke to his father.

“Dad, you asked us to ‘GO’ and enjoy life. So I went out and experienced the best of everything in the world and came back. I learnt the best practices from everywhere and hoped to implement them in our company. But here I see that in spite of having not stepped outside the city, you have proclaimed Mookesh to be the winner. How unfair is that father?”

Param replied, “Yes, I asked you to experience ‘life’. By joining me at the company, Mookesh proved that ‘Hind Reliance’ was his life. What could have been a better reason to announce him as my successor?”

Not convinced at his father’s judgement Karthik ‘Anil’ Mahadev cried foul, vowed to never join his father’s company and walked out of the Mahadev family house.

Dhiru ‘Param’ Mahadev smiled. His wife Parvatiben cried. Their son Ganesh ‘Mookesh’ Mahadev looked expressionless, but his dreams sore high like a 60 floors tower worth US$2Bn in the heart of Mumbai city!

-Shyam

My Meeting with Mr.T

Mr. T is not a most wanted gangster or a high profile businessman as some of you would have thought. Far from it, he is a school going kid. A true millenium kid, to me Mr.T represents the generation of children who are fed on cell phones, computer games and countless other gadgets since birth. And probably because of such an upbringing, I do not see much difference in the levels of our awareness. Hence I prefer to consider him as equal and that is why the ‘Mr.’ part that I added to the kid’s name is important.

This is how the conversation went. The way it went, I had an irresistable temptation to blog about it and by the end of the post I am sure you will know why.

Mr. T : Hey! I am ______

Me : [A little startled by the kid’s boldness to initiate the conversation in no time] Hi dude…

Mr. T : Are you on facebook?

Me : [Now definitely shocked] Umm… Yeah! (followed by a ‘So?’ expression)

Mr. T : Will you add me on facebook?

Me : Umm.. Yeah sure .. Why not!

Mr. T : Whats your name on facebook?

[I tried to ignore that one, to go easy on ‘facebook’. I prefer to keep my facebook activities very much restricted to close friends. But… ]

Mr. T : Whats your name on facebook?

Me : Uh? [followed by a ‘talking to me?’ expression] H-N-S-H-Y-A-M hnshyam

[Following this, I went into my ‘I am thinking’ facial expression. I do this whenever I want to avoid some conversation. But this time it was more to relieving me from the shock of this conversation I was having with a ten year old kid]

Mr. T : What’s the full form of HN?

Me : (This is one question I have learnt to conveniently evade in the last twenty two years, simply because it calls for further explanations. So…) Umm.. Nothing dude.. Its a single thing.

Mr. T : Really? You are joking…. Right?

Me : [smile] (and thankfully, the topic was changed)

Mr. T : You have a computer?

Me : Yeah, of course!

Mr. T : Can I use it?

Me : Sure. Come with me, let’s go to my room.

In my room,

Mr. T : Oh, so you have this small laptop?

Me : Yeah, its called a netbook.

Mr. T : Let me add you on facebook. Whats your name you said?

Since my profile was already logged in, I did the honours myself. And he promptly logged into his id and accepted my friend request.

Mr. T : You know my bro has got a new tattoo on his hand! You want to see?

Me : [Startled again] Umm.. Yeah.. Sure.

Mr. T : (While loading his brother’s facebook profile) You know, all his friends wanted to get his profile pic clicked with his new girlfriend. But he smartly avoided it.

Me : (Girlfriend!! WTF? Oh Btw his bro has just joined undergraduation) Umm.. Yeah? That was smart of him…

Mr. T : All his friends have girlfriends. You don’t have a girlfriend?

Me : (Now this is terribly embarrasing, everytime!) No dude… I don’t.

Mr. T : Oh… I see.

Me : [Relieved for not being asked ‘Why?’, and amazed by Mr.T ‘s maturity or thoughtfulness you may say!]

Mr. T : BTW you know I joined facebook only last week and I have 114 friends. How many ‘likes’ do you have?

Me : How many ‘what’ ?

Mr. T : (pardoning my ignorance) You know, my brother does dissection in his college. The other day they dissected a frog, and all the intestine were out but the heart was still beating!

Me : [Surprised to see this amount of science knowledge in a ten year old] Yeah? I dropped biology way back in class 11 dude. So I never had a chance to do any such thing.

Mr. T : (Hardly interested in my reply. Now showing me some of his brother’s pics) You see this boy in this pic?

Me : Yeah.

Mr. T : His mother died. She was only 56, you know?

Me : Oh is it, thats sad… (Not expecting knowledge of any further detail from the kid, and also not feeling it right to quiz him on such a topic. But…)

Mr. T : Apparently she was sleeping in the back seat when the accident occured and the balloon (air bag) came only in the front seats. So when they finally tried to wake his mom up, she did not get up! She had died by that time.

Me : (Now, literally lost for words) Hmmm…. I see.

We moved to the living room, where his mom was talking to my parents.

Mr. T : [Looking at my phone] So you have a blackberry eh?

Me : Yeah.

Mr. T : [Turning to his mom ] Hey mom, the model of your phone is popular. See even he has a similar blackberry.

Me : [Shocked again. The first time I learnt about Blackberry phones was barely a few years ago. Here is a ten year kid discussing Blackberry phones with his mom! ]

Mr. T : You don’t have games on you comp? What do you do with it?

Me : [Smiling in an effort to hide my mixed emotions at this strange question] I work Mr.T. So I have something or the other official to do all the time.

Mr. T : [Giving me a ‘what a loser’ look. Now looking at the golf club in my house] So who goes for golf coaching here?

Me : Golf ‘what’?Err… No, no one does. I play around inside the house, sometimes. Haven’t gone for any training and all.

Mr. T : Oh… [Browsing through the television channels] Did you watch any tamil movie off late?

Me : Yeah, I watched Enthiran.

Mr. T : Oh.. I watched Manmathan Anbu! Enthiran was long back, right?

Me : Yeah… I guess.

By this time, Mr. T’s mother had decided that it was time for them to leave. And in matter of no time, Mr.T got himself ready to leave and he was ready at the door.

Mr. T : Ok dude… Tata! Take Care.

Me : [Now quite use to think of Mr.T as any other friend from college or work] Yep mate! You too…

Mr. T : Hey, is there any sports shop around here?

Me : Yeah, there is one right down this road.

Mr. T : Oh.. k!

I saw Mr.T off from my balcony, as he got into his Manza car with his mother and they drove down the road.

As their car disappeared from my sight, I thought for a second about myself as a ten year old. I still remember the excitement of my visit to a McD (near Andheri station) to have a burger and softy, and getting my first email id ‘@usa.net’ (I don’t know how many of you remember it, but it was a craze in those days to have a usa.net email address). Those were probably the biggest things in my life until then, besides a few flight trips and eating American Choupsuey in a chinese restaurant! That was the extent of my exposure.

I looked at the calendar hanging on the wall. It said ‘January 2011’, and don’t know why everything seemed to feel perfectly in place then.

I heard someone tell me, “Its just normal man; 21st century kid afterall! ”

I smiled to myself affirmatively and walked into my room.